Summer recap? Not much to read here. I really didn't do much. I stayed at home most of the time (which was actually good for my mental state). I think I overdid it this past year with the stress of work and trying to figure out exactly what I want out of life.
J asked me a question that I really didn't have an answer to, and it actually made me tear up. "What makes you happy? Truly happy?" My dad asked me the same thing when I was trying to figure out if I was going to go back to teaching this fall. "What makes you truly happy?" I didn't have an answer for either of them at the time. I was letting my mind demons win for so long that it didn't seem like being truly happy in anything I did was possible. I've made some great costumes, but was I happy with them? I made some strides in dancing, but was I truly happy with the situation? Then I was asked to be part of a dance troop that was a low-pressure, world dance style stuff and for the first time in a while, I started to smile. I was part of the FolkFest ensemble again this year and although I would shake and have a minor anxiety attack before every performance and rehearsal, I was able to do it and smile somewhat throughout it. Dancing again made me happy.
For anyone who knows me, teaching isn't going the way that I had originally planned for it to go. It started out great, but then I have had a string of very bad administrators and these people have made teaching unbearable. Also, the legislative people who are making teaching decisions based on "what is best for the classroom" while never being in a classroom, are making my job even harder. Did you know that I'm only paid for 181 days of work? Yep, that's it. It is a total of 1,448 hours. I tallied how many hours I acutally worked last year. Ready for this? 2,024. That is equal to about 253 days of work. And I was only paid for 181 of them. So it doesn't help me when the public decides to bash teachers as being "overpaid". Yes, I know that everyone tends to work hours outside of their contract, but have you ever really tallied what you work versus what you get paid?
But I digress.
Happiness. It is illusive. I have been toying with going back and finishing my law degree so I can work with contract law. Or getting another degree in dance or costume design or something creative. I acutally feel better when I'm doing something creative. I'm not sure why that is, but it seems that if I don't do something creative with my life, things get very black, very quick. Maybe I'll finish that children's book I've been thinking about. Maybe I'll work on getting my jewelry business up and going. I'm not sure just yet.
But for now, I'm back at teaching. It at least has scheduled hours and I've got bills to pay. I hope there comes a time where I don't have major bills anymore and life can be about enjoying what is out there instead of making sure I can put food on the table and a roof over our heads.
Hopefully I'll figure out what makes me truly happy.
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