Starting up again

Summer recap? Not much to read here. I really didn't do much. I stayed at home most of the time (which was actually good for my mental state). I think I overdid it this past year with the stress of work and trying to figure out exactly what I want out of life.

J asked me a question that I really didn't have an answer to, and it actually made me tear up. "What makes you happy? Truly happy?" My dad asked me the same thing when I was trying to figure out if I was going to go back to teaching this fall. "What makes you truly happy?" I didn't have an answer for either of them at the time. I was letting my mind demons win for so long that it didn't seem like being truly happy in anything I did was possible. I've made some great costumes, but was I happy with them? I made some strides in dancing, but was I truly happy with the situation? Then I was asked to be part of a dance troop that was a low-pressure, world dance style stuff and for the first time in a while, I started to smile. I was part of the FolkFest ensemble again this year and although I would shake and have a minor anxiety attack before every performance and rehearsal, I was able to do it and smile somewhat throughout it. Dancing again made me happy.

For anyone who knows me, teaching isn't going the way that I had originally planned for it to go. It started out great, but then I have had a string of very bad administrators and these people have made teaching unbearable. Also, the legislative people who are making teaching decisions based on "what is best for the classroom" while never being in a classroom, are making my job even harder. Did you know that I'm only paid for 181 days of work? Yep, that's it. It is a total of 1,448 hours. I tallied how many hours I acutally worked last year. Ready for this? 2,024. That is equal to about 253 days of work. And I was only paid for 181 of them. So it doesn't help me when the public decides to bash teachers as being "overpaid". Yes, I know that everyone tends to work hours outside of their contract, but have you ever really tallied what you work versus what you get paid?

But I digress.

Happiness. It is illusive. I have been toying with going back and finishing my law degree so I can work with contract law. Or getting another degree in dance or costume design or something creative. I acutally feel better when I'm doing something creative. I'm not sure why that is, but it seems that if I don't do something creative with my life, things get very black, very quick. Maybe I'll finish that children's book I've been thinking about. Maybe I'll work on getting my jewelry business up and going. I'm not sure just yet.

But for now, I'm back at teaching. It at least has scheduled hours and I've got bills to pay. I hope there comes a time where I don't have major bills anymore and life can be about enjoying what is out there instead of making sure I can put food on the table and a roof over our heads.

Hopefully I'll figure out what makes me truly happy.

Fall......into winter

Nothing in life is what it seems. They are what they are on the outside, but in the end, they are all as complex as a snowflake. Did that make sense? Probably not, but it works, strangely, in my brain.

Life has been moving forward. I'm still teaching; but with each growing month I need to move on to something else. J is still with Visa and doing the acting thing (although not as much). We've been having more and more rehearsals due to his Masters of Dueling bit, but I still feel like an outsider with all that. It is difficult to explain why but I have never felt a part of that and I doubt that I ever will. Not sure how else to say that. There are times I feel like I'm just in the way of everything and should back out, but at their rehearsals, I seem to be the only one paying attention to what they are doing and giving feedback, despite the fact that there are 2 other people there besides the 3 fighting and me. Oh well. Maybe I'm just seeing things that are there. Or maybe it's just my mind fighting against itself and perception. I'm probably going to get flack for saying that, but it is how I feel.

My mind has been fighting itself lately a lot. I have my ups and downs like everyone else, but I seem to have more downs than ups lately. I feel like I'm in a hole and I can't create a ladder to climb out of it. I have had people asking for costumes, but when I get home, I don't have the energy to actually pull anything out and create them. I feel like everything I create is just crap and isn't worth seeing the light of day; but all I want to do is create and for the most part I can't.

I'm not sure if it is just the demons in my head saying this or not, but I--most of the time--feel like I'm just a waste of time. I haven't accomplished anything that I set myself out to do by the time I was 30 (and I'm past that now), and I don't feel like this is even worth talking about. I move from one day to the other just going through the motions. Things come up, but I turn away. I have interest but when I think about doing them, it just feels like I would waste everyone's time.

Eh, there goes my brain again.

On a professional front, I have been asked to do a poster presentation at a world summit in Korea, but I'm not sure if traveling outside of the US and looking like someone from the US is the smartest thing to be doing right now. It would be great for my resume to be able to have that on there, but I shutter at the thought of leaving the US to go to a country that isn't exactly on the easiest of terms with the US currently. And not being in it's main capital and away from the Embassy and Consulate scares me. I'll just have to think more about it. My mum would be coming with me, but I am scared that she will not be allowed back in the US because of all the stupidity coming from those in Washington, even though she is a permanent resident. Both my parents are applying for citizenship, but I doubt it would go through by June. Who knows.

J and I are moving forward. Sadie and Jimmy continue to make me smile when all other things don't. I just rumble through my day at the school to be able to get home and see their "smiling" faces. . . well, more like their tails. It is cute that they both rush to the door to see me when I open it. Although I need to be careful because both of them have escaped outside when I wasn't looking. They don't go far, but it still scares me to have them outside.

J and I were able to do a film shoot last last year (Sept and Oct) with some friends. I was in front of the camera for the first time in a long time and it scared me to death. I was also in a fight scene and that really tested J's and my relationship. We have found out that when it comes to one of us directing the other with choreography, we don't always work as a well-oiled machine. We're not sure if that is something that we will do again in the near future. It is fine when I am working on a film set as a wardrobe person and him as a stunt coordinator or actor, but not when both of us are actors and he is the stunt coordinator and I'm an actor. Yeah, I may not be the easiest person to get along with...... As far as the film in concerned, I'm not sure if it will be something that I will post here since I am kind of embarrassed to be in. I'm pretty sure my acting is HORRIBLE so no one should see it. The concept of it is great: a western set with samurai swords and no guns that really work. Kind of an alternate western reality.

We had an amazing make-up lady and crew that was willing to put up with my naive acting abilities.

The location was really pretty and we did get to work with a couple of horses. One that started following A and J around.

The crew during pick-up shots. What you can't see is my bloody ear, A's bloody arm, and kind of see J's bloody nose. 

Winter is in full force here, but it is a bit more weird than the past winters. It dumps over a weekend (we had a couple of feet one weekend) and then nothing and warms up to around 40 or 50, then rains, then dumps again. At least it clears the air.