If you know me at all, I really don't let a lot of emotions to the surface. . .unless they are embarrassment and pure rage. Yeah, some people, all they see is either of those. They think I am the happiest person or a melancholy person, other than pure rage. Apparently I can snap into one of those at the snap of a finger.
Lately, it's been happening more and more.
Frustration has abound for me this past month. Not only was it the start of the school year again and I had to go back to a job that I tolerate (not because I want to be there), but because of all the other things that were going on at the same time that had found their way onto my plate.
School
School started--for me--the third week in August. That is a late start, but nothing too bad. That Wednesday and Thursday were all day meetings that I somewhat glazed through. I brought a book and didn't think much of them. I usually don't. They drive me nuts. Being a "newer" teacher, I know what they are talking about because I learned it during my program. Why don't they ever put out an outline of what they are going to cover and make those teachers who aren't "up-to-date" go to them? Or put out a test, if you pass it, you don't need to go to the meetings. If you don't pass, you're going to the meetings. Did I get paid for them? Nope. Just a waste of my time while I could have been doing other things.
Then came that Friday. I actually got back into my classroom and found one of the tech guys from the district sitting there with an, well, lets just say it was an interesting look on his face. He told me that the district was going to upgrade my OS for the computers. I replied, oh? To which he said one of the most evil words ever. . . .Vista. Yep, that operating software that even Microsoft abandoned after a few months. The district was going to put that on my computers, thinking it was an Upgrade. Now, half the programs that we use don't work, the computers rarely work, the students have to wait maybe 2 or 3 minutes before they are actually able to use the computers and then hope that they can actually print and save something before the system decides it wants to freeze or completely stop working. Yes, the computers are about 5 or 6 years old so they were running XP, which works wonderfully for what we need. Stable; a workhorse. Now I have to deal with this crap daily that just doesn't work.
We're 3 weeks into class and I'm about ready to take a shotgun to these computers! Frustration every single day.
Students are no different. They aren't reading the directions, then they complain when they don't get a good grade on things. I have signs up all over the classroom stating what they need to do when they are done, yet that classic question keeps getting asked. All I've started doing is point to the thing and they keep looking at me! Really? I'm not going to do your thinking for you. Yes, you may have been spoon fed everything up to this point, but I'm not spoonfeeding you anymore. You need to buck up and actually think for yourself!!!!
Comic Con
Salt Lake is hosting it's first Comic Con style event this week. This Thursday-Saturday. I've know about it and have been working on it since May. One of the groups I work with is having a booth so I have been trying to organize that because no one else will. Jakob has stepped in to help, but it hasn't made things that much easier. This is the first time that I think some of those people on the "board" are organizing something on this scale. First it was at a smaller venue, then they decided to invite more "celebrities" and had to move it to a bigger venue; which changed how we were going to be able to do things. Adaptation is not what I wanted to be doing right now. So I'm constantly stressed. I can't get off work to be up there during the days, so I have to rely on the others to do what is needed---which is not one of my strong points. Yes, I am a bit of a "control freak". But it's because I have to be otherwise things don't get done. It isn't easy for me to let go because in the past when I've let go, things haven't gotten done and I'm the one that gets blamed.
We are also having issues with the "sister" group to ours. They seem to not realize that when we work together, things are easier. They seem to be making a big deal over things that aren't that big of a deal, and they are being snobbish with other details. I haven't been keeping anyone in my group in the dark about anything, and they have been keeping everything in their group a big fat secret. I even heard it said that they don't want the "rebels to find out this information then they want to do it too/be invited" blah blah blah. If that's the way that you want to play, go right ahead. We've been fine so far, what makes you think that it'll be any different if you actually let people know what is going on.
I will be so happy once this Saturday is over and done with.
Sleepy Hollow
Jakob is in a production of Sleepy Hollow this October. It is the same company that did Christmas Carol last year that he was in. While he as been enjoying the rehearsals and everything else, I haven't. There are 2 casts this year and Jakob just happens to be in both. It is very annoying. He has a "double" but his double isn't doing much. I understand that Jakob wants to do as much as he possibly can to get more money, but when he leaves at 5:30am to go to work, and then has rehearsal up in Northern Utah and doesn't get home until 11pm, that isn't fair to both him or me.Yes, I'm being selfish because I would like a little bit of time to be with my husband, but that hasn't happened in a long time.
Varsity Club
With everything else that is on my plate, I still need to help my mom out with Varsity Club before the football games. Jakob won't be available for most of it because of rehearsal or a show, so we are left to do it on our own. I'm really not all into football (I usually bring a book or something else to entertain me during the games when there isn't anything going on--or I nap), but I understand why my mom does this--no one else will and it needs to be done in order to do fundraising. It is just a bunch of problems and complaints. I don't want to deal with it because I am at the point that if anyone says anything to the contrary of what I'm thinking, I snap.
My Weight
Yes, I'm completely and utterly self-conscious about my weight. I have never weighed as much as I do now. I have never looked the way that I do now. . . .and it is killing me slowly. Nothing fits and I refuse to buy new clothes. I don't want other people to see me like this so I don't go to the gym, I don't go out unless I absolutely have to, and I wear such baggy clothing (because those are the only things that fit) because I don't want people to look at me. Others who have seen me don't notice anything, but I do. I hate the way I look. I really do. If I could just crawl into a whole and work from a dark room where no one else sees me, that would suit me just fine.
Life in General
I hate my job, but I can't leave it because it pays the bills and there is no where else for me to go.
I hate being an adult and having to keep up the appearance of smiling and happy all the time.
I hate not being able to dance when I get like this.
Yes, I'm on a Mad Madam Mim turn at the moment, but I just can't stand it anymore!!! I am snappy, I want to punch something/someone, scream, yell, cry.
Yeah, I'm a happy camper at the moment. :/
2 comments:
I hear you about the weight thing. I've gained a lot in the past few years, and I know it will never come off. I've learned to be okay with it, but it hasn't been easy. I can at least go for a walk every day now that Darcy is in school. I've found the difference for me hasn't been in the weight itself, but changing the way I view myself. I'm learning that my curves aren't unattractive because I'm not actually obese. I'm healthy, all my limbs work, and I'm pretty the way I am. I think it helped that my skin finally cleared up on my face. THAT was a huge problem for me. It made my weight insecurities seem like a walk in the park.
And I hear you about not having a husband ... because, yeah, I know about that.
And I hate the school system in general and I hate Vista, and a part of me just wants to tell you to quit that job and jump into something else that may feel like a risk, but is something you love and enjoy and can put your heart into (like costumes) even if it might not pay all the bills because, well, that's what I'm doing and we're dirt poor and in debt, but we're both pretty damn happy for the most part and sometimes that's all that matters.
But you have to do what is right for you. I hope you know I'm here if you ever want to talk -- from one weight-self-conscious person to the next. *HUGS*
VISTA?! Sweet mercy. Didn't all the copies of that get burned? Every corporate entity I know skipped Vista and when straight to Windows 7. What crazy, insane person made the decision. How frustrating for you to be trying to teach with your computers not working well.
So sorry about Jakob. I hated when Matt was in his MBA program and went straight to team meetings every night. It was awful. Hopefully the time passes quickly.
Sorry about the weight. The world sets such an impossible, photoshopped standard that beautiful people like you dislike your figure. That gets me all riled up. I know it doesn't really matter that we all think you are beautiful (and by "we" I mean anyone on earth that matters). You need to think your beautiful. It's a hard thing to discover, I know it was for me. Hated my freckles, hated my triangle shape, hated my pointy nose... But overtime, and with effort, I decided I was fabulous. Good lighting in the bahtroom helped. I hope you learn to love that face in the mirror.
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